When Vicks first introduced its cough
drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of "v" is "f," which in German is the
gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."
In an elevator in Leipzig, Germany: "Do not enter lift backwards,
and only when lit up."
There is a sign in a hotel in Austria which caters to ski bums that
reads: "Not to preambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of Ascension."
A sign in a Zurich hotel reads: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining
guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." (When in Rome, do
as the Romans do.)
Another Zurich hotel sign asks visitors: "Do you wish to change in
Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!"
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our
wines leave you nothing to hope for." (Talk about truth in advertising!)
A Paris dress shop advertises that they
sell "Dresses for street walking." (Prostitutes must have been thrilled that they had their own shop.)
A sign in a Paris hotel elevator cautions
patrons to "Please leave your values at the front desk."
A sign in French hotel instructs guests that: "In the event of fire
the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid."
Outside a French cafe a sign was spotted that read: "Persons are requested
not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming."
A sign in a Rome laundry politely suggests: "Ladies, leave your clothes
here and spend the afternoon having a good time." (In jail, being arrested for indecent exposure, right?)
In a Vienna hotel, a sign recommends that: "In case of fire, do your
utmost to alarm the hotel porter."
There's a sign in Italian hotel that warns: "Do not adjust yor light
hanger. If you wish more light see manager."
In Athens, Greece, a sign in a hotel says: "Visitors are expected
to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." (They had to work out a schedule?)
The sign at the concierge's desk in another Athen's hotel reads: "If
You Consider Our Help Impolite, You Should See The Manager."
In a Rhodes, Greece tailor shop a sign reads: "Order your summers
suit. Because is big rush, we will execute customers in strict rotation." (Pretty drastic, don't you think?)
An ad campaign was launched in predominantly continental-breakfast
eating England to boost orange juice sales. The idea was to extoll that drink's eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Their slogan:
"Orange juice. It gets your pecker up." (Hell, forget Viagra! Natural orange juice works best!)
In Czechoslavakia, a tourist agency ad reads: "Take one of our horse-driven
city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages."
A sign in a hotel lobby in Bucharest, Romania, expresses their deep
concern for the comfort of their guests: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret you will be
unbearable." (You are unbearable anyway, but we're too polite to say it.)
In Budapest, Hungary they don't want patrons to feed the animals at
the zoo. Their sign reads: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
(The poor guy probably needs it.)
A Polish hotel menu offers: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's
fashion." (Mmm, yummy, isn't it?)
At a hotel in Yugoslavia, "The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid."
Taco Bell's "Chilito" took its name from what it is, a chili burrito.
But "Chilito" is actually Mexican slang for "penis." (Can't you just picture it? "Yeah, I'd like an order of
nachos, a 32 oz. Dr Pepper and a penis to go, please.")They changed the name to "Chili Burrito."
A sign in a hotel in "Don't Drink the Water" Acapulco reads: "The
manager has personally passed all the water served here."
A hotel notice in Madrid reads: "If You Wish Disinfection Enacted
In Your Presence, Please Cry Out For The Chambermaid."
This sign has been reported to have been seen in both Madrid,
Spain and Belgrade, Lebanon, where a notice in an elevator reads: "To move cabin, push button of the wishing floor. If the
cabin should enter more persons, each one should press the number of the wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically
by natural order." (Would that wishing floor be the floor where all your wishes come true?)
There's a beauty shop near Chuo Rinkan station in Japan called: "Beauty
Brain's Fantastic Fannie."
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle
him with vigor."
"Tootling with vigor" is evidently a popular past-time in Japan. The
owner's manual of a Japanese motorcycle recommends: "HORN-BUTTON: tootle horn melodiously at the dog who shall sport in roadway.
If he continue, tootle him with vigor."
A sign in the backseat of some Shibuya
taxis reads: "Please fasten seatbelt to prepare for crash." (Taxi drivers are crazy all over the world.)
In Tokyo, a traffic sign on a bridge reads:
"Cars will not have Intercourse on this Bridge." (I hope not!)
Another Tokyo traffic sign warns: "Try
Bigger and Bigger but keep More and More Slowly."
Boxes of ChocoBouchees, a chocolate dessert cake sold in Japan,
carry this catchy phrase:"Confidence of creating deliciousness. This tastiness can not be carried even by both hands."
A road detour sign in Kyushi, Japan cautioned
drivers to: "Stop: Drive Sideways." (Can you imagine?)
In a Japanese hotel, an information booklet instructs patrons on the
use of hotel air conditioning: "Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."
A hotel guest directory in Japan reads: "You are invited to take advantage
of the chambermaid."
One Tokyo hotel has very explicit rules: "Guests are requested not
to smoke and do other disgusting behaviors in bed." ("Other" disgusting behaviours?)
Another Japanese hotel wants its guests to know what to do in case
of fire. A sign on a panel behind the main door reads: "In case of fire, try to use the fire ex-ting wisher."
This rule was seen posted in a Japanese hotel: "Depositing the room
key into another person is prohibited."
Yet another Japanese hotel quite clearly instructs its guests: "Please
to bathe inside the tub." (As opposed to bathing on the floor?)
A bar in Tokyo advertises that it offers
"Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."
A Tokyo shop advertises that "Our nylons
cost more than common, but you will find they are best in the long run."
A slogan on a Japanese shopping bag reads: "Now baby. Tonight I am
feeling cool and hard boiled." (Cool AND hard boiled?)
A Japanese newspaper article reported
that "Four people were killed, one seriously, and eight more received slight injuries." (One was SERIOUSLY killed, so
stop laughing!)
A Japanese orange juice claims that drinking
its product is "Just like feeling a fruit in justseason itself."
Japanese Sapporo brand Drafty Black Beer's label reads: "Richly aromatic
flavor is yours for the asking in this refreshing black taste treat from Sapporo."
The label on Japanese UCC "Drink it Black" coffee boasts that their
product is unique: "Black coffee has great features which other coffees have never had: Non-sugar."
The instructions on a Japanese product sold to relieve hemorrhoids
state: "Lie down on bed and insert POSCOOL slowly up to the projected portion like a sword-guard into anal duct. While inserting
POSCOOL for approximately 5 minutes, keep quiet."
When MacArthur was considering running for President, a sign erected
by Japanese citizens in Tokyo read: "We pray for MacArthur's erection."
The government in Seoul, South Korea,
received so many complaints about taxi drivers that it had to set up a telephone hotline for passengers who encountered rudeness
or dangerous driving. To advise customers of this service, a sign was posted on the inside rear door notifying English-speaking
passengers of the availability of an "Intercourse Discomfort Report Center."
The warning label on a Korean kitchen knife cautions users: "Warning
- keep out of children."
A sign at the entrance to a Bangkok temple reads: "It is forbidden
to enter a woman even a foreigner dressed as a man." My only question is, does this also apply to the ka-toi's? (You know,
the lady-boys, all those gorgeous Thai gals who are really guys.)
An advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand asks: "Would you like
to ride on your own ass?"
A Bangkok dry cleaning shop recommends
that you: "Drop your trousers here for best results." (Anything for a laugh, right?)
In a Malaysian restaurant,
they don't like do-it-yourselfers. A sign there reads: "Seafood brought in by customers will not be entertained." (Meaning
we're not gonna hire a band to play just for your seafood!)
A Copenhagen airline ticket office claims: "We take your bags and
send them in all directions."
In the same manner, a store in Prague advertised that: "We send your
packages all over the world." (Now, why would I want my packages sent all over the world?)
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following phrase
in an American ad campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux." (A sudden burst of sincerity on the part of the advertiser?)
In a restroom in Finland, users are instructed:
"To stop the drip, turn cock to right." (To let it drip, just keep moving it up and down.)
"Ladies are requested not to have children
at the bar" in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
A sign in the window of a Swedish furrier states: "Fur coats made
for ladies from their own skin." (That's got to hurt!)
An East African newspaper article read: "A new swimming pool is rapidly
taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." (I hope they could swim!)
Sign in Egyptian hotel: "If you require room service, please open
door and shout, `room service!'" (Wonders of modern technology didn't reach Egypt, apparently.)
A Moscow hotel lobby advises: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery
where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday."
Another Moscow hotel room wants you to take it all in. Their sign
reads: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." (And if it isn't my first visit?)
